I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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