and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
