You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
This is the high leading the old right now
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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