I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
