I wish I only lived at night.
Is it because I queefed?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
