My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
