i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
