And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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