My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
