My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
