I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
