Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
