well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
