I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
