I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
