Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
