i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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