The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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