What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
