I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just invented taco cereal.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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