I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Randomize
