And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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