I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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