i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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