Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
