when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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