Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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