Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
my poor anus
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
