i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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