Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
