My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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