Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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