My girlfriend figured out who you are.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
