I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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