its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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