What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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