Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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