she woke up with a sticky ear
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
