Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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