Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
