I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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