So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
