She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
