I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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