I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
