True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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