She said her name was "party"
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I would ride that face into the sunset
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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