mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
