I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
