Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
