Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
