Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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