i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
