I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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