fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I FOUND THE LEGS
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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