the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
