I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
