The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
There are leaves in my underwear?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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